Wednesday, April 1, 2015

My Buddy and Me

Warning -- Satire -- April Fools Post

I have a sheepish confession to make: until recently, I had a tapeworm, and that's why I'm lean.

In 2006, I took a trip to Mexico with a few friends.  We often traveled through rural areas, and of course sampled the local cuisine wherever we went.  In many parts of Mexico, pork is an important food.  Some of it may have been a bit undercooked.

At the time, my interest in food and health was growing, and I was making many changes to my diet.  I was glad to see the chubbiness around my neck and waist begin to disappear.  The diet was working!  Or so I thought...

In 2008, I began writing Whole Health Source to share the information I thought had helped me.  Yet despite remaining lean, my energy levels were flagging.  I would sometimes feel tired after ordinary activities like a weekend of backpacking in the mountains.  A year later, I noticed telltale signs of a tapeworm infection (I won't go into the details).

At first, I was mortified.  Parasites are disgusting, and especially tapeworms.  They hook into your intestinal lining, feed on the partially digested food that flows past them, and shed large eggs into the stool.  I resolved to go to the doctor and have it removed immediately using an antihelmintic drug that kills tapeworms.

I saw the doctor, filled my prescription, but when the time came, I couldn't take the pills.  I had grown strangely fond of the little bugger.  Just like our gut microbiota are a part of who we are as individuals, I felt that this tapeworm was a part of me.  Wherever I went, he went.  He was the best friend there could be.

My Buddy
Meanwhile, I was eating insulin-spiking potatoes every day with complete impunity.  Starchy tubers, grains and beans, sugar-filled fruits, fat-laden nuts and avocados, meat.  I even sometimes put honey on my yogurt and berries.  Yet throughout this time, My Buddy helped me stay lean.

Why am I writing this now?  Last month, My Buddy passed away prematurely (tapeworms can live more than 25 years).  He was only 9 years old, which is about 28 human years; a young man in his prime.  Was it that habanero pepper I ate?  I'll never know.

What I do know is that the charade is over.  No more potatoes, no more nuts, no more meat.  I'm going back to the Eocene diet.

April fools!


Tomas said...

That was actually funny. I guffawed. Never made it beyond the first sentence though.

Anand Srivastava said...

You have the best april fools articles.
Thanks for the laughs.

Acu-Greg said...

I checked in just for the April Fools Day post. I always enjoy them. I've wondered at times if I have a tapeworm. I struggle to gain weight....

Scott Pierce said...

I couldn't get past the picture. That is disgusting.

Richard Nikoley said...


Your 4/1s are a tradition. Even if it's 2 weeks between checking up on you, I always visit on this day yearly.

Your poor buddy. What a short life. But I'm sure you fed him regularly, did all you could do. Unfortunately, there's still rampant spiceism and dogs, cats, and some turtles and snakes get all the vet love.

For anyone who'd familiar with Matt Stone (a friend now), I met his challenge after he 4/1ed me last year.

Blue Wren said...

worst April Fool's joke EVER... coz I fell for it : hook, line and sinker.

Unknown said...

Oh my goodness, I totally fell for this.

I just thought, wow, he is being very candid...well alright.

Tim said...


I'm waiting for the first probiotic containing worm eggs! Of course only from the beneficial worms.

If you think about it, it's actually not that absurd. Why should the gut ecosystem stop with bacteria?